How to Identify a Jerk

Anyone who has tried online dating or been set up on a blind date has probably met one.

The Jerk.

These are the people who never learned tact or even how to behave in polite society. Now, for the poor innocent who’s stuck in a social setting with the Jerk, this can be awkward, humiliating and uncomfortable.

So, what do you do when you find yourself in this situation?

First, you need to determine which specific breed of Jerk you are with.

Angry Jerk
This is the road raging screamer who hates everything about life. Identifying characteristics can include red face indicative of perpetually high blood pressure and angry growling.

These Jerks will usually start off by telling you how everyone on the road was a complete idiot, how their exes are conniving bitches, their boss is a moron and so on. They are often rude or abusive to wait staff, and would complain about winning the lottery.

As soon as possible, end the date. Don’t bother making excuses or trying to be polite. Just say “I really don’t see us clicking, thank you for {insert dinner, drinks etc. here} and I wish you the best of luck in your search. No matter how nice you are, or how polite, the Angry Jerk will not think you are the lovely and reasonable person you are. It’s best to leave their territory immediately upon sighting.

Whiny Jerk
Almost a complete opposite in styles from the Angry Jerk, the Whiny Jerk can be just as dangerous. He always feels that he is the victim. Life is so unfair; he just can’t catch a break. Making soothing or commiserating noises will only encourage the Whiney Jerk to continue the ritual of self pity.

The Whiny Jerk is like quicksand, the more you struggle, the more they suck you into their dark, dank depression. Make as few waves as possible, and at the first opportune moment, escape. Do not let their pathetic whines keep you there out of pity, you are only encouraging and rewarding that behavior with your continued presence.

Bigot Jerk
This nasty piece of work can be identified by their strong breed loyalty. Mating calls often include racial slurs and jokes in poor taste. Arguing with the Bigot Jerk will only encourage them to defend their territory.

Unless you find yourself agreeing with the philosophy of the Bigot Jerk, the best thing to do is back away slowly. I personally can’t stand close minded bigots, but I’ve found you aren’t going to make them see the light in one night, there’s nothing worth exposing yourself to that kind of vile atmosphere.

Superficial Jerk
These vain Jerks can often be spotted by their bright plumage; however their personal appearance does not match the standards they set for their mates. High and unrealistic standards may be due to years of media indoctrination, or just a complete break with reality.

The Superficial Jerk can often be heard making comments like “You have a great personality, I’m just really into fitness” or “You’d be pretty if you weren’t so fat.” In many ways, the Superficial Jerk can be one of the most damaging and dangerous Jerks out there. Their venom is strong, and they know just where to strike.

Often the Superficial Jerk will attack with out warning, leaving the victim in shock. This ploy may leave you short of breath, and unable to respond. No matter how satisfying throwing your drink in their face may be, it’s best to just walk away. I personally like to order dessert first if it’s a weight comment.

Jerks in the Wild
Sadly, new breeds of Jerk are being identified daily. As our urban environment grows and changes, they are adapting and learning to camouflage their nature. If you have identified a Jerk, please let us know, so that we can continue to learn how to defend against them.

Regardless of the type of Jerk you find yourself with it’s very important to remember three basic things that will help you recover and move on.

  1. It’s not you, it’s them – no matter what form their attack takes, YOU did nothing to encourage it. They are the ones who have problems and issues.
  2. You can’t change their spots – Jerks have survived in the wild for centuries – you are not going to change their life attitude in one date, over several years or even in a lifetime.
  3. They aren’t everywhere – once you know how to identify Jerks, you may think that you are surrounded by them. This is not true; there are nice guys out there. Often they are in hiding from the female counterpart to the Jerk, the Bitch. Be patient and you can coax them out.
Written by Mandi
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