No Excuses! Stop Justifying Behavior of Men Who Aren’t Interested

How many times have you been talking to a female friend about her relationship and you hear things like this:

“He misses me; he’s just so busy he can’t always call.”

“I know he really cares, he’s just shy.”

“He’s been burned before; he wants to take it slow.”

“He would call me more often, but he knows my schedule is crazy. He’s trying to respect that.”

“He just doesn’t like talking on the phone.”

And so on and so forth. Sound familiar? I know it does to me. I am a perfect example of this bizarre female behavior.

Case in point: In December I met a guy on OkCupid.com – a free dating service. First date went well, and we dated for about a month. However, during that time he NEVER once called me on the telephone. He didn’t even text me. He’d instant message me online when I got home for work. Sometimes it ends up as an invite to his place. In retrospect, I want to give my self a giant kick in the butt for ever putting up with more than 1 day’s worth of this behavior.

Case in point: An ex-boyfriend of mine called me up and we decided to hang out. Now, we have always remained friends, but as we were both single it turned in to an actual date. We did have a real discussion about it, and those were his words… so I’m not just wishful thinking. However he did the whole pulling away thing, and then gave me crap for not calling him enough. After that, he had the nerve to tell me “Don’t get all needy on me.” Well I showed him just how needy I am by deleting him from my phone.

Why do we justify and excuse behavior that is sending is a clear “He’s not interested or committed to you” message?

First, I think its hope and optimism. If we can get past this part, if we can deal with the baggage for just a little while, it will all work out in the end. How many romance novels have the lover’s hating each other, fighting and overcoming impossible circumstances to ride off into the sunset? We all want that happy ending, the fairytale come to life.

Secondly, by acknowledging he’s not that interested in us, we have to face some darker, scarier areas. When a guy lets us down, women tend to think “What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” We take the blame of the relationship failure squarely on our shoulders. Making excuses for guys allows us to put off those moments of self doubt.

Thirdly, we do it to protect the relationship and ourselves from judgment of friends and family. Instead of recognizing that our support network is doing its job and alerting us to major problems in the relationship, we make excuses so they won’t condemn the relationship. It’s just a variation of the ostrich head in the sand.

So what do we do?

  1. Recognize when you are making excuses. Sure, one phone call missed, or something comes up at work, that’s to be understood. Are the excuses coming from HIM, or are you assuming he’s buys, tired etc? Make sure that if there are reasons or justifications, they are coming from him, and not you. If he hasn’t told you that he’s busy/out of town/has a case of malaria – then he doesn’t. He just doesn’t want to call. Busy guys can still make time to call.
  2. Look for patterns of behavior. Do the calls stop before holidays, parties or weekends? Does he wait till 8 pm on a Friday night to call? Does he wait for a week or two after sex, and then give you a booty call? Stop playing into this. It’s ok to be angry at him for ignoring you. Do you really want to be an afterthought to your boyfriend?
  3. Listen to your friends and yourself. When you are talking about him, pretend that you are the one hearing what you’re saying. Does your spidey-sense tingle and tell you that these reasons sound hollow and contrived? Are your friends rolling their eyes or sighing when you give another rendition of the “I know he’d call if he wasn’t so…” song and dance?
  4. Call him out on his behavior. Ask him why he hasn’t called, in a non confrontational way. “Gee, I thought you were kidnapped by aliens. How’d that probing go?” See what he has to say. He wouldn’t still call you if you weren’t playing right into his hands. Why make an effort if you don’t have to? If you are always available, regardless of when he calls, then why should he make plans?

Diamonds would not be precious if they rained down from the sky.This is, for me, one of the hardest dating habits to break. However, I am going to be really trying to stop making excuses, and be willing to cut ties a little sooner.

Written by Mandi

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7 Responses to “No Excuses! Stop Justifying Behavior of Men Who Aren’t Interested”

  1. Eathan says:

    I love this.. I’m going to reference this on my site.

  2. [...] Mandi wrote an interesting post today on No Excuses! Stop Justifying Behavior of Men Who Aren't Interested. Here’s a quick excerpt: [...]

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  4. Bal says:

    Yes, it’s so simple really. If I want to call someone, I will find a way to make it happen. One night, I really wanted to talk to someone, so I went out to buy a new SIM card for my phone (something wrong with the old one). I made the call and went to see the person. There are only two options: Yes or No. When a man wants to speak to you, he will do all he can to make it happen. If he doesn’t want to speak to you, he will come up with ten million excuses – I lost all my fingers so I couldn’t call you, I lost my voice, my phone turned into a bowl of cornflakes, I was eaten by my laptop etc etc…!

  5. Mandi says:

    Bal, Thank you for your comment! It’s just more proof of what we already know but don’t want to admit.

  6. Eathan says:

    It’s easier to be man.. unless you are a woman who knows the pick up game. Knowledge is power.

  7. Kay says:

    Eathan – you are so right! That’s why it’s good for women to read the dating books that are available – so they can learn about the pickup game and not fall into it.

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