No Spark, No Hope? No Way!

No spark on the first date? I had a date the other night with a guy I met on OkCupid.com. According to his online profile, we have a ton of things in common. It was hard to tell about his physical appearance from the photos, but the conversation was good online, so we progressed to text messages, and soon had plans for a Saturday night.

Now one thing you need to know about me, is I am always decidedly unexcited about a first date. I become a terrible pessimist. So when I was telling my friends about it, I sounded less enthusiastic then I do before a dentist appointment. So I found all the things I didn’t like in his profile, and I found all the questionable areas and came up with scenarios that could be my worst nightmare. Thus fully prepared for disappointment, I set off to meet him.

I was pleasantly surprised! He looked better in person then he did in photos, he was honest about his height (I expected him to be shorter than me) and was polite and well behaved. So we got coffee and ended up skipping the movie and talking. For three hours. Now, I can usually do that with no problem, but it was a two way conversation. He listened, he remembered things I said, and we found out we really do have a lot in common. If this was a movie, cut to the scene of us riding off into the sunset, right?

So you ask – what’s the problem. Well, I felt no spark. There was not one iota of desire in me for this guy, no tingles, no wondering what a first kiss would be like. In fact, at one point I was mentally running through a list of people I could introduce him to. I’m pretty confident (but trying not to sound cocky) that he would not say the same thing. In fact, I got a nice follow up email from him that expressed how much fun he had, and he’s already mentioned possible ideas for future dates.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, this is where the 5-Date rule comes in. He raised no red flags, and was not repulsive. I was just not in lust, and that’s a good thing. How many times have we had someone “grow on us” as we got to know them better? Five dates can give you a chance to get to know them, and see what happens.

Now it could be that nothing more than friendship ever happens here. However, I realize if I walk away now, I’m not being fair, and I’m letting my hormones have control over my life…and frankly, they don’t usually do that great of a job.

So, if he asks, I’ll go out with him again, enjoy the company and see where it goes. If after 5 dates I still feel nothing for him, then I’ve given us both a fair chance, but in fairness will need to end it so it doesn’t drag on forever.

Written by Mandi

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5 Responses to “No Spark, No Hope? No Way!”

  1. Jessica says:

    This is really good advice. Sometimes it’s hard to be honest and just let him know you’re not intersted.

  2. Kay says:

    I know, it really is.

  3. Amy says:

    Awesome advice!
    I just met/went out with a guy I met on an online dating site and had a similar experience. We had a ton in common (to the point where I wondered if it was too much). We live several hours away and he drove almost the entire way just to meet me. He was already crazy about me before we even met. Based on his online pictures, I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him, but wanted to still give it a shot. Unfortunately, I wasn’t attracted to him at all in person. I wasn’t all that comfortable. Found myself not paying attention to anything he said. Really, I felt that this guy would make a good friend, but I just wasn’t excited about any type of relationship possibilities with him. I felt really bad about it, and disappointed because I was hopeful since we did have so much in common. I know you can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone….but he WAS really sweet and I don’t get how you can have SO much in common with someone but not want a relationship with them. I told him at the end of the date that I really just felt the “friend” vibe and I really didn’t see “us” together. He was obviously disappointed, as was I. But then he said he had been having the same feelings, but didn’t want to say anything in case I wanted to try for more. But he didn’t understand the feelings, either. How he could have a “great” girl with tons of things in common, but only feel like friends.
    Is there just nothing there, or were we premature in calling the “friend” card?
    I really don’t want anything with him…but I also know that can sometimes change. Although, I feel like my gut is saying it won’t.

  4. Kay says:

    @Amy – It’s frustrating, isn’t it, to meet someone really nice and not feel anything beyond the friend vibe! Your comment about not paying attention to anything he said is a pretty big clue that he’s just not right for you. You’ll meet a lot of nice guys that are only friend material – that’s why it’s so special when you meet someone who is not only a great guy but also makes you feel the “spark.” Thanks for sharing your story :)

  5. Amy says:

    @Kay – Thank you so much for your reply! I think I pretty much knew he just wasn’t right for me…but I guess I needed someone to put it in black and white for me. :-)
    It’s very frustrating! You’re right on that. The most frustrating thing is my past relationships couldn’t be what I needed (I guess which is why they’re in the past) and I struggled a LOT emotionally with them. But this guy was exactly what I’ve always wanted/needed. But not having that “spark” for him is insanely frustrating. I’m ok with it, and we’re going to remain friends…but it does make me wonder if I’ll ever find the “whole package”. Not knowing is also very frustrating.
    But what you said makes complete sense and gives me some comfort. Thanks again for the reply! :-)

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